mixed feeling.

today afan absconded from girls hm. hais. dy asal kau larie bodoh, abeh ade hati nk kol aku. the other day ie went her werk place and meet her, ie told her ie qot thinq wan tell her. she just called minutes aqo and asked me what ie wanted t tell her. btw, ie was fuckinq SAD tt she ran. ie just want afan t continue her stay in there w/o any extension anymore. dydy, mepek uh kau ny! ie told her ie wasnt waitinq anymore and then her tone chanqed. walauuuweyyy! ie really disappoint her alot. ie was like one fucker qivinq afan false hope, ie shouldnt have promised. then she said, well, ie dont blame ue and ie evr asked ue t move on with life but ue dint want. since ue feel lonely, find a companion. my last words to ue is, "Kalau nmpk kat luar, jqn teqo". whaaattt? ur endinq our special f/sp just lyke tt? arqh, its all my fault for werkinq and not pickinq her up from werk. if ie did, maybe we could talk thinqs out. she said, "ie still rmbr Elmo syq Shesky, tpi since ue want it this way..." i'll not call ue aqain. arqh! stoopid uh. hais. sedeh. tmw qq werk aqain. spendinq time w lisha todae was superb. thanks lisha. ive qot no mood, qq sleep now. hais. thanks for seqalenyeee. will be busy these few days. sorry wn, fr draqqinq feelinqs at you just now.

GUYS.

super tired t upload. but well, just wanna say HELLO to somebody has hurt me these past few days, im off to sleep nw cus qonna werk ltr, ie forqv ue bt ie dont forqet. i miss you.

fight again.

this is whats happeninq in our msn convo nowadays. i hate it! ):

lost both my top priority.

today is mothers day, May9th. well, other ppl may be enjoyinq their times with their mum. but i still feel down. yst ie told wan ie was qonna buy mc breakfast for her today bt ie see like my mum still nvr talk t me. hais. yst texted lisha, and confirm tmrw qq work at RW. so, ie went kovan look for three quarters t wear. then end up lisha said wear kasut, black tee and jeans. then ie da ade except black tee so went heartland grabbed one at new future. then wanted t buy smtq for mum bt cant qet one. so ie went home, thinkinq. these few days ie just wanna cry. ie knw she wants to push me t dad. hais. now shes close t KakLyah, but what t do. she used t call me and text me but now she calls her everytime and doesnt reply my text. hais. AM I INVISIBLE? why is everyone hurtinq and toyinq with my feelinqs? im not a doll. arqh! yst dad talked t me and asked me if ie wanted t run away from home. ie said yes. then he adviced me on and on w many pauses. but ie just kept quiet like a statue. all ie said was, "i am not qq to run", cmon la, ie qot brains t think. even if ie dont come hm, ill just qo and stay sabs hse. & ie dont wanna do those thinqs aqain cus ie wanna prove t smbdy tt ie am really qq to chanqe and dont want disappoint him. even if he does care thouqh. hais. idk. ppl say when two people quarrel their r/sp will qet closer and bondinq stronqer. bt idk, he always picks a fiqht with me. im tired of beinq hurt. ie do have feelinqs and im sad everytime we fiqht. ryte nw, ie just wan to b happy but sadly, everyone is just wantinq to hurt me time and aqain. ie lost my mum's love and someone too. both my top priority. thanks ehq. ie wished ie could have both back. but, arqh. its over. yst, ie had fun with wan. went out with him. everytime he is with me, ie smile. bt only abit off yst when he went buy thinq for his mum. then ie sat down, think tt if only my mum wasnt like this to me then maybe ie could also qet smtq for her. hais. then when he texted me tt hes home, awhile ltr ie went online aft dad talked t me. suddenly he said he qot thinq want tell me. he said tt he have not fallen deeply in love with me and he not ready to be with me. ie was like ok. but no words can express my feelinqs at tt moment. dk? ie jst felt like he wasnt interested at me at all. and he is playinq around with me. ie now scared he will be like other quys. its all my fault for playinq with fire. tt person said tt he felt like he took me away from afan. pls lah, how many times must ie say ie already dont love afan. if ie want now also ie can qo meet afan bt ie dont want t cus ie qave my heart to him alr. then ie tired of fiqhtinq alr, ie told him ie wn qo sleep. cried t sleep. woke up at 805am exactly and straiqht away called him to check on him. he's workinq today and scared tt he havent woke up. he dint answer then he called back. he said hello then ie said hello. he nvr reply for v lonq so ie put down. then ie text him, "da anqun lum?". he woke up alr. then ie went bck sleep. 1:28pm, Mum called her again; nvm, lets continue. he then texted me around 10 sayinq sorry bout yst thinqy. bt ie was chill-ed alr. not hurt anymore. bt then just nw he called me at 1216, we talked. then abt yst thinq came out. ie said ie couldnt trust him cus ie find him not sincere and he kept thinq from me. for v lonq he wanted tell me bt yst onlie he told me. hais. thanks alot. then we talked and he say only dont want fiqht bt end up? herms, then aft that we texted each other cus he werkinq. meanwhile, ie texted mum ie said, "Happy Mothers Day, Ily." cus ie scared if ie say alot she mls nk entertain. then she said ty, u should know dad and me love all the children the same. and she said she treat KakLyah like own child cus she qt no family, hope ie understand. so she tryinq to say WHAT? tt im not tt important? arqh. best! then ie said t her, ie felt left out in the family and ie dint buy nitink for her but ill qive her some of my pay when ie start werkinq and all she replied was TY. wth? ty jeh? tts nt the mother ie know. she would always reply me lonq2 and say smtq sweet and funny. bt nw? hais. then the other person pulak laqy satu. makinq me stress. ie said ie dowan force him. bt he say im nt. bt after what he said, ie felt like ie am. what t do? hais. ie stress uh. ie just want him t know tt ie love him and ie wont basted him bt its up t him what he want. yst at bridqe road, he asked me two qns. "You love me?" and "If ie go Ns wll ue wait?" arqh. see? who dont trust who? whos the one whos always anqry and findinq fault? me or ue? stop blaminq me. soon ie start werk, ie dont need t stress myself at home. and wan cant find fault w me anymore. tts the reason y ie chose t qo werk. ie want keep myself busy and let qo of everythinq. maybe they'll be happier that ie wont dsterb their life. im sorry if ie cant be perfect enouqh for ue quys. btw, for ur info he may be my ex bt ie dont consider jerks as one. ue thouqht ue were the only quy? well, as far as im concerned ive only had one true ex, ayie. no more. im nt lyinq. well, ue qt many more qerls. aft and before ayie, all the quys were just not real love but now when ie found ue, im qlad. ie would have lost contact with ue if ie wanted cus im nt interested in quys and r/sp but ur just like the perfect one im lookinq for and now...

IE HAVE ONLY YOU.

out with wan bby (:

just now went meet wan at kovan mrt, he was late for 30 minutes. nvm tt, mum dint talk t me aqain. only asked if ie qt money. went t bank at 130 so its closed alr. close at 1. so earlyyyyy. ie went t walk t kovan mrt waited for so lonq and he reached aft 230. best pe. kena paitao for so lonq. then jave called the moment wan reached. told jave tt ie wasnt waitinq anymore. hais. so sorry for disappointinq everyone. then asked cutecute t explain t afan. herms aft wan took out money, we took 80 and went bridqe road cus he want eat. then qo buqis, he bouqht two shirts for himself. then he bouqht me a dress. haiyo, ie thouqht 5 bucks skalie the person said, 26bucks. ie dont wanna buy but he insisted. haiyo. then went town meet his friends, he see thinqs. bouqht perfume for his mother. ie sat outside the shop, nk nanqes psl ie tqk dyeh sweet nah dqn mak dyeh. and he's really lookinq forward t mother's day but me like idk what like tt. bsok mothers day bt me and mum drift. ie sedeh. ie jealous tqk wan. then he came outside and then he ask me y ie bad mood, but ie donnoe how t tell him. hais. ie wish my family was like other family too. wan send me bck home. thanks bby, ily for every moment ue spend with me today. saw aidil and kak ida. wasehhh aidil, still e same. second tyme he saw me with wan. haha. senyum jek ny aidil. kak ida became fatter (:

happy finally.

its already 5am, woke up at three just nw. cant sleep. ie had t offline with wan just nw at 1 cus ie was feelinq so super tired from cryinq! felt sleepy so went offline. sorry bby. now ie feelinq abit happy cus ie am nt thinkinq bout just now incident. ie dont wish to cus nnti ie down laqy. yst, ie was super sad. wan not there. sab nt there. they're very important t me and ie wanted t share t them esp wan. bt they were workinq. so ie had to pour everythinq out here bt it made me feel worst. so, ie texted SA and asked to call me. SA finally called aft a while and at tt point of time ie nearly burst but ie controlled cus dad and brother suddenly came and hanq around my place and im lack of privacy! * Anqry * ie thouqht they would leave 5 minutes ltr and ie asked SA t hold on. but, they still stood there for very lonq. the funny thinq is tt dad could still sit infront of me when he actually saw me talkinq otp, like want t keypoh like tt. so, ie went out of the hse and sat at 238 and there ie just cried and cried and talked t SA. ie said tt ie felt left out. ie was freakinq sad. and SA asked me if ie wanted t come down Tamp. bt ie told SA, ie wasnt even feelinq qood enouqh to qo back hm to take my ezlink, ie just wanna b alone. then, talked and talked. and SA said it was the first time SA saw/hear me this down. and cryinq. * paiseh * im so like crybby. SA thouqht ie was a cheerful type. hais. SA dunnoe how to console me as our family backqrounds are diff and SA hasnt qone thru this before. but its okey, thanks SA for listeninq to my membebel for once. haha, thank God you are here. its the second tyme ue said, ue saw me sad. ferst was bcus of Wan and yst cus of family. yes sey, yq psl Wan, SA webcam with me and ie like so damn stress  but SA was there. yst, when ie asked SA to call, ue did. hais. thanks alot SA, ily. now cant sleep, called Lisha and talked t her for only 6mins? she said she went town just nw with Wan and she wanted me t taq alonq actually. ie also wanted text her actually. haha, no fate. we were thinkinq of each other coincidentally but the thinq is we didnt appear in front of each other in real life. missed lisha. haha, my bad girl! went thru lots of thinqs up and down, ehq lisha? ill come meet ue soon babe (: hais. ie miss my past times when lisha, nabilah, shakilah, asiqah and the rest were toqether. tpy sumerh da ite, and doinq their own thinqs now. and now so busy with their mataer. SUMERH LUPE AKU! yst called nabilah, and as usual OSCAR, her boyfriend. hais, when will someone actually stop and look at me? ie think im lack of attention. later on meetinq Wan qo buqis, he's qot his pay alr. He wants t buy me stuff but actually ie dont feel qood abt it, cus im nt like those qerls who take quy money. But ie dont mind spendinq my money on him. Haha, tebalik pulak! ie am actually missinq him ryte nw, and ie just want t qive him a call but his tired and he needs some sleep. tk baik kan kacau orq yq tqh tido. herms, ill just wait for his text. ie saw him online bt ie quess he did not siqn out. oh ya! just nw my convo with lisha ...
Lisha : Nanti aku kluar nqan mak aku q town ! Abeh kau ?
Nana : Aku kluar q Buqis nqan Wan (:
Silence for a moment ?
Nana : Wan kawan aku , ukan mataer kau !
Lisha : * laughs *
takot nah ny lisha. hais, ie actually cant believe tt ie havent told her abt my love life. we were so close but ie havent told her a thinq abt Wan. soon kaey babe! when im free ie will. sure, ie will sleep over ur hse soon. now feelinq scared actually, idk. ie scared Wan tk suke my pranqai cus just nw ie told him abt runaway thinq and ie always say tt he has new qirl. im scared he will just b pissed off by me. idk whats wronq with me. 5:29am, just texted Wan . " cant slip , imy " haha, serious la, imy. he is my everythinq in this worldddd and ie love you bie. Shine Aelys, thanks for the advice and im sorry today dint qo down tpy to find ue quys. ie was tired. now, im qonna off my lappy before any one of my family members wakes up and thinks tt im crazy bloqqinq in the morninq. Bby, see how much ie love ue till ur pic is stuck up there. (:
COULD YOU COME AND HUG ME PLS, I MISS YOU BBY (:

Stress .

hais. ie dk why they even want me out when ie was in there when ie seem nothinq in their eyes now. if ie knew ie should just stay in there and not go out maybe they'll be happier. went to eat and buy stuffs with my parents. firstly, ie dont talk to dad but it seems like just nw mum keep askinq me to qo to him whereas she already knew how ie felt towards my dad. ie felt very hurt when she kept pushinq me to him. arqh, dont feel like stayinq at home anymore. both my brothers just want me t be perfect, too strict to me. but its okey cus most of the time they're at camp and they dont really bother my life. ie have no mood t talk t anybody. cus ie just wanna cry alone. ie dont need anyone t comfort me. wan busy with work and ie also dont want t call him cryinq. nvm, ill jsut b alone ryte nw. he is workinq and will only be back home at ard 11- 12. hais. nobody will understand what im qq thru ryte nw. nvr felt left out before like this. tts y ie dont want t qo home. haha, Nana kan invisible. ryte nw, im independent. ie can do thinqs on my own w/o my parents askinq me to. bt, ie still dont understand my mum. wow, bpk qnie then mak mcm qnie. im at dinninq hall alone, not like other days. mum always there for me. shes talkinq to the rest upstair in KakWidya room. ie really have no mood for anythinq, for now and maybe for the followinq days. arqh, Sab, ie just wanna continue stayinq with ue. forever laah. when ie was inside last tyme, mum said tt she wanted me t stay at Tamp hse bt nw when im happy over here thinqs happen. idk what ie should do riqht nw, im stuck. ie could qo bck my old ways if ie wanted t bt ie choose nt to cus im sick of ppl talkinq bout me. its all my past, ie wanna start afresh. ie should not have followed them there if ie knew this would happen. hais. what a life. better off dead. arqh, dont talk t me. im in no mood. sorry people.